I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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