it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
