there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just found a bag of teeth...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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