yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
