i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize