I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
How external is "for external use only"?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We are all done wearing pants today
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm really busy with my period
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