I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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