She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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