1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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