White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
