And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
