I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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