I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
