"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I am midnight drunk by noon
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
