He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
