I haven't been this sober since birth.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
