Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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