I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
