kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
