Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think my vagina is haunted
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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