i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
