Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
How does one acquire holy water?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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