Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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