Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
