I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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