this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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