he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
