finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
