Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You were trust falling into bushes
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize