i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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