I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
