My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
