my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
