The best revenge is premature balding
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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