She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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