Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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