And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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