apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
