Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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