Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
