um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
