the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
