She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
