if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize