Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Drunk is not a location!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
