I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My balls are so social today.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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