Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
it's great music for shaving your balls
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize