I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
