every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize