it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
