We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
God I need to hump something, right now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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