if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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