I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
