I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
