I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
