K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
