I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
