Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize