You smell like stripper and shame
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
