Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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