Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
