Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
stop calling my apartment porn island.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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